My friend Nadia has some funny ideas. I thought I was the wacky one! She reckons there aren't enough Asian superheroes around and that something should be done to redress the balance.
The Teacher
Nadia believes that running about in dance tights with your underwear on the outside is undignified and looks a bit "Holy sartorial shenanigans, Batman, that outfit is camper than a Boy Scout Jamboree!" As a teacher, she reckons that what we need is a heroic role model that is not lame.
I suggested something in keeping with her vision that Marvel or DC could get behind: The Teacher. Oh, and the character is British/Asian and her adversary is The Tory, a mean government official who wants to cut public spending and increase the tax burden on those of us who can't stash the cash in offshore accounts. And she has a brother...
I suggested something in keeping with her vision that Marvel or DC could get behind: The Teacher. Oh, and the character is British/Asian and her adversary is The Tory, a mean government official who wants to cut public spending and increase the tax burden on those of us who can't stash the cash in offshore accounts. And she has a brother...
Lacking a suitable model for my new super-heroine, I've elected to use Nad. So, here she is in all her splendour. Right, the scenario:
The Teacher
in
Saving St. Tristan's
Mild-mannered teacher Narisa Siddiq works at an inner London junior school. One day she arrives at work to see a fleet of JCBs and a crane with a wrecking ball attached to it outside the school. Beside it stands an officious-looking man in a suit holding a clipboard and looking smug. She approaches him to ask what's going on.
"Excuse me, sir, what's going on?" she asks.
"Not to worry, love," he replies in an annoying, patronizing way, "go on inside."
Concerned about the proximity of the wrecking crew to her school, she goes to the staffroom to talk to the other teachers about it.
"I don't know who they are," says the headmistress, "but I'm not happy about it, Miss Siddiq. In fact, I'm downright alarmed."
It occurs to Narisa to be alarmed too, so she goes off to one side to call her brother. "I'll have a Balti Special," she says, the code for being in trouble. "Bring it to St. Tristan's."
After assembly, the kids and the teachers troop into their respective classrooms and take their seats. Narisa takes a glance out of the window and is horrified to see the wrecking crew move into position to demolish the school. They're starting at the recently-vacated gymnasium. "Children, behave," says Narisa, handing over control of the classroom to her assistant, Clara. "I've got to pop out for a moment."
As she leaves the room, a loud crash is heard and the building shakes. Some of the children scream.
Narisa runs to the staff toilets and opens her capacious shopping bag. Inside is a bag containing a mortarboard hat, a black cape and a black domino mask. She quickly puts them on then goes outside to confront the wreckers, leaving her bag behind.
At the back of the Pashtun Palace, near the bins, Malik hurriedly chows down on his magic curry. Then he puts on a black domino mask, then crouches down. A horrendous blast is followed by the sound of the loudest ever raspberry as he is propelled by his intestinal gases into the air above the city. He stretches out his arms and flies towards St. Tristan's.
In the lobby of the main entrance to the school, Narisa finds the doors are locked. Other members of staff have come to investigate and begin to protest when they realise there's no way out. They are also surprised to see a masked teacher in old-fashioned garb stand before them. When she steps back to fell the door with a powerful roundhouse kick, they are flabbergasted.
With the zealous fury of the indignant, The Teacher runs outside to confront the wreckers. "What are you idiots doing?" she demands.
At this point, a fat man in a dark blue pinstripe suit arrives in a souped-up Rolls Royce. "Who are you?" he asks in a snide voice, his nose turned up in disdain as he exits the car. The black domino mask and trilby look a bit ridiculous, but strangely, it works as a costume.
"I might well ask the same of you!" she retorts.
"I am The Tory," he replies, "here on business to ensure that cuts are made to public spending. It seems our last government was rather profligate. Austerity measures are being enforced for the common good."
"By knocking down the school with the kids inside it?"
"Why, yes, m'dear. You see, if we let them out we'd have to find another school for them, and everyone keeps saying that they're overcrowded as it is. I rather think I have the more logical solution to the problem."
"That's outrageous!"
"You're supposed to say, 'You'll never get away with this,'" chides The Tory.
"I've got a more logical solution," says The Teacher, and knocks him out with a single punch as the wrecking crew gathers around her in a threatening manner.
Just then, Baltiman arrives and lands on the Rolls like a swimmer doing the bomb into a swimming pool. Except that he lands on the Rolls, making a noticeable dent in the roof. He jumps off and proceeds to fight the wrecking crew alongside his sister, who says, "That'll teach 'em!" as she punches a burly thug in the face.
"I'll take care of this lot," says Baltiman, "you get the kids out, just in case."
But behind them, the teachers and kids have already begun to file out and are following the fire evacuation procedure. Just then, the sounds of police sirens are heard in the distance.
"I'd better scarper," says Baltiman, "the lunch time rush will be starting in a couple of hours." He crouches down, lets one loose and flies away.
The Tory makes good his escape in his damaged Rolls while everyone is distracted, and The Teacher runs back inside the school.
Back to the staff toilets she goes to get changed and goes to join her class outside. When she emerges from the building, she's leading a frightened little girl to join the others in the car park at the back of the school.
Shortly afterwards, the police arrive and arrest those thugs who didn't get away or are lying on the ground, unconscious.
I hope Nadia likes this.
It occurs to Narisa to be alarmed too, so she goes off to one side to call her brother. "I'll have a Balti Special," she says, the code for being in trouble. "Bring it to St. Tristan's."
*
Meanwhile, in The Pashtun Palace, Lambeth, a tubby young man is getting ready for opening, even though it is a few hours away at this point. He is Malik, Narisa's brother, and the head chef. Into a pan he pops a mix of secret herbs and spices and begins to fry them off. Then he adds a few pieces of meat.
*
After assembly, the kids and the teachers troop into their respective classrooms and take their seats. Narisa takes a glance out of the window and is horrified to see the wrecking crew move into position to demolish the school. They're starting at the recently-vacated gymnasium. "Children, behave," says Narisa, handing over control of the classroom to her assistant, Clara. "I've got to pop out for a moment."
As she leaves the room, a loud crash is heard and the building shakes. Some of the children scream.
Narisa runs to the staff toilets and opens her capacious shopping bag. Inside is a bag containing a mortarboard hat, a black cape and a black domino mask. She quickly puts them on then goes outside to confront the wreckers, leaving her bag behind.
*
At the back of the Pashtun Palace, near the bins, Malik hurriedly chows down on his magic curry. Then he puts on a black domino mask, then crouches down. A horrendous blast is followed by the sound of the loudest ever raspberry as he is propelled by his intestinal gases into the air above the city. He stretches out his arms and flies towards St. Tristan's.
*
With the zealous fury of the indignant, The Teacher runs outside to confront the wreckers. "What are you idiots doing?" she demands.
At this point, a fat man in a dark blue pinstripe suit arrives in a souped-up Rolls Royce. "Who are you?" he asks in a snide voice, his nose turned up in disdain as he exits the car. The black domino mask and trilby look a bit ridiculous, but strangely, it works as a costume.
"I might well ask the same of you!" she retorts.
"I am The Tory," he replies, "here on business to ensure that cuts are made to public spending. It seems our last government was rather profligate. Austerity measures are being enforced for the common good.""By knocking down the school with the kids inside it?"
"Why, yes, m'dear. You see, if we let them out we'd have to find another school for them, and everyone keeps saying that they're overcrowded as it is. I rather think I have the more logical solution to the problem."
"That's outrageous!"
"You're supposed to say, 'You'll never get away with this,'" chides The Tory.
"I've got a more logical solution," says The Teacher, and knocks him out with a single punch as the wrecking crew gathers around her in a threatening manner.
"I'll take care of this lot," says Baltiman, "you get the kids out, just in case."
But behind them, the teachers and kids have already begun to file out and are following the fire evacuation procedure. Just then, the sounds of police sirens are heard in the distance.
"I'd better scarper," says Baltiman, "the lunch time rush will be starting in a couple of hours." He crouches down, lets one loose and flies away.
The Tory makes good his escape in his damaged Rolls while everyone is distracted, and The Teacher runs back inside the school.
Back to the staff toilets she goes to get changed and goes to join her class outside. When she emerges from the building, she's leading a frightened little girl to join the others in the car park at the back of the school.
Shortly afterwards, the police arrive and arrest those thugs who didn't get away or are lying on the ground, unconscious.
The End.
I hope Nadia likes this.
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