I just had to do it. I'll probably be sued, but if that happens, the judge might well just throw the case out for being too ridiculous. To cover myself as best I can, I'd better start out by announcing that I don't own Darkplace and am making no money from imagining what would happen if Garth Marenghi persuaded MI8, the powers that be, Dean Learner, Todd Rivers, and at least three demons to approve the production of
Darkplace: Mogrophobia*
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| Photo from garthmarenghi.com gallery with alterations by me. |
Anyway, Dean and I agreed that this idea was so brain-bendingly insane that Channel 4 would crap their pants at the mere thought of committing such a dark vision of Hell-spawned horror to television. Nonetheless, Dean insisted that something be done to bring my story to the screen, so I borrowed my sister's video camera, made this myself and posted it on YouTube.
Reed: "What are you doing here in the secret records room? These records are top secret, which means that you can't just walk in here willy-nilly in the middle of the night and go rifling through them."
Barry picks up the torch he has dropped and steps towards Reed, who then aims directly at him. "Don't shoot!"
"Why not? You're Larry Renwick, aren't you? You're supposed to be dead, but not even shooting and flamethrowers can end your existence."
"No, I'm his twin brother Barry. I was told he had exploded. Then you and your colleagues shot him at the funeral and Dagless doused him in napalm, but I never got a satisfactory explanation for it."
"How do I know you're not a conduit to the deepest pits of Hell?"
"I can wear a cross without being burnt by it."
"Prove it," says Dagless, popping out from behind Reed, brandishing a crucifix. "This one has been triple-blessed by the Pope for extra added holiness."
"Not one of the Borgias, I hope," says Renwick. "They were responsible for a lot of murders and wars."
"You know your Popes," says Dagless, impressed.
"I should hope so, I'm a priest," says Barry. He takes the crucifix in his hand.
"You're not burned," says Dagless.
"I'm not Larry," says Barry. "Why are you so convinced that I was him?"
"It's a long story," says Reed. "Come to my office and I'll tell you all about it."
In Reed's office, the three men are seated and Rick Dagless explains what happened. "Your brother was intent on opening the gates of Hell, Barry. I pleaded with him not to, but he did it anyway, right in the canteen. I was just getting back from the kitchen with a coke float when I saw that he'd gone utterly insane and there was evil all over the floor and on one of the walls. A few weeks later, I was just going to check on him when he suddenly exploded. All that remained of my buddy was his head. Everything else was spattered all over the room. At that point he begged me to take his life. So I got a shovel and bashed his head in. Later on, at the funeral, he came back to life and we shot him. Even with all that lead in him, he kept on coming. That's when I went for the flamethrower and finished him off."
"You shot my mother," accuses Barry.
"She tried to stop me, to save her son," says Dagless, "so I capped her in the shoulder. I told her I was sorry. Why weren't you at the funeral?"
"I was in Papua New Guinea as a missionary. I'm one of six who have never been eaten by cannibals."
"That's impressive," says Reed. "Why aren't you wearing your vestments?"
"I'm off-duty."
The following day, Sanchez and Liz are called to the top secret records room. On the floor are the remains of a worker.
"What did you call us down here for?" asks Sanchez. "This man is dead. Look, there's only an ear and one of his arms."
Liz bends down to take a closer look and touches the arm. Then she looks up and screams.
"What is it, Liz?"
"I've had a vision," she explains. "There was something here. Something evil. It ate this poor man."
"This can only mean one thing: trouble," says Sanchez.
"Did someone call me?" asks Dagless.
They turn around and see Dagless, who surveys the scene, then draws their attention to some marks on the floor.
"Look," says Dagless, "there are marks on the floor. They look like the pawprints of a giant animal."
"The Hellbeast was here," says Liz, then faints into Sanchez's arms.
Later on, Barry Renwick returns with Reed to look at the room. Liz looks at him askance, but says nothing. "I'll bless the room," he offers, "to make it safe for the cleaners to return."
"I'll fill up a bottle of water for you to bless," says Reed. "Is a Coke bottle all right?"
"It'll do," says Barry. "I'll need some candles, some chalk, and a bit of privacy. I can't do it when everyone is watching."
Confused, the others get him the things he has asked for and leave him to get on with it.
"I'm suspicious of his motives," says Liz. "I'm convinced he's up to no good."
"Yeah," says Sanchez. "What kind of priest doesn't want an audience?"
"He says he's a missionary," says Reed. "They're attention-seekers."
Dean Learner: That scene meant a lot to Garth. He spent weeks with what's-his-name...
Off-screen: "Lawrence Michelowski."
Dean: Some Polish bloke, working on the nuances of his performance. Garth is a perfectionsist, if nothing else. Well, he's an actor, writer and a lot of other things, but you know what I mean. He had a nervous breakdown afterwards. Not Garth, the Polish bloke.
"Let's confront him," says Dagless. "Bring your shotgun, boss, this could get ugly, and I don't mean me first thing in the morning."
"That would be funny if this wasn't so serious," replies Reed. "Which it is because evil is involved."
Suddenly there's a loud scream. The four of them return to the secret records room to find the remains of another dead body lying on the floor.
"Renwick," says Sanchez, hunkering down beside what's left of the body. "He was a bit shy about performing in front of us, after all."
"Then why is there a Pentagram drawn on the floor, along with other occult symbols?" asks Dagless.
"I can feel evil closing in around us," says Liz.
Suddenly, a doctor races in. "Come quick," he says, "there's something in the canteen."
They run to the canteen and find more bodies there.
"These people have died in horrific circumstances," says Reed. "Won Ton will have my hide for this. The press will be all over it."
"And there's nothing the press like better than an occult scandal in a hospital," says Sanchez.
"Unless there's a kiddy-fiddler in the mix," says Reed.
"The children's ward!" wails Liz.
They all run to the children's ward where some vile Hellbeast has evidently gone amok. Liz puts a hand to her temple and says, "There's something in that cupboard."
"Cover me, Sanchez," says Dagless, and bravely approaches the cupboard with his gun drawn. He opens it, and there he finds a cowering child.
"I told them there was a monster under the bed," says the child, who is crying.
"Don't be afraid, son," says Dagless. "We'll get it for you."
"'Cause we've got guns," adds Sanchez. "And bullets."
"And lots of them," finishes Reed. "Come on."
"Where to?" asks Dagless.
"The secret records room," says Reed. "I've got a hunch."
Garth Marenghi: Even though the others had no idea where I was going with the plot, they trusted me completely. They knew that, whatever foul pestilence my tortured mind dredged up from its depths, I would protect them. They would be safe.
Except for Madeleine Wool, but that's another story. I still don't know what happened to her. It wasn't during this episode, though.
The team return to the secret records room where they behold the terrifying sight of a huge Hellbeast feasting on the remains of a cleaner. A broken mop lies on the floor nearby.
"Look!" shouts Sanchez. "It's a Hellbeast that looks like a giant zombie cat!"
"Attack!" shouts Barry.
The team open fire with an assortment of weapons but the Hellbeast keeps coming. Dagless, out of bullets, pulls out a sword and hacks at the beast. Finally, he reaches into his shirt and pulls out the crucifix, which he throws right into the Hellbeast's gaping maw. It explodes.
"I should have killed you while I had the chance," snarls Reed.
"Why didn't you?" asks Barry, who is pinned against the back wall with Reed's shotgun against his throat.
"Because this is a hospital and the authorities frown upon that kind of thing," replies Reed. "Won Ton takes a particularly dim view of anything that might reflect badly on the hospital, particularly gun battles."
"Why did you do it?" asks Sanchez. "Those poor kids."
"That's why he did it," says Liz. "To discredit the hospital. To avenge his twin brother. Isn't it, Barry?"
"He was my buddy," says Dagless, in tears. "You've desecrated his memory."
"You shot him and set him on fire at his own funeral," retorts Barry.
"Yeah, but he was demon-possessed at the time," argues Reed.
"You shot my mother," shouts Barry.
"She was trying to stop me shooting your brother," says Dagless. "I had no choice."
"There's always a choice," says Barry.
"Yes, there is," says Dagless. "Like the choice you made to lie to us about being a priest so you could reopen the gates of Hell, and the choice you made to bring that Hellbeast here to eat doctors, patients and cleaning operatives."
"I thought they were called sanitation technicians," says Barry.
"Whatever," says Dagless.
"What was that thing?" asks Sanchez, picking through the remains of the Hellbeast. "It looked like a mutant zombie cat."
"It was," says Barry. "I ran over one on the way here and brought it back to life with a series of occult rituals, then let it loose to wreak havoc."
"Which it did," says Reed. "I'll never be able to keep this out of the press." There's a desperate gleam in his eye, and just when it looks as though he's going to shoot Barry, the police arrive.
"Stop!" shouts a policeman. "Put that gun down right now. Slowly."
Reluctantly, Reed complies.
"Hah!" says Barry. "Now I've got you. The reputation of Darkplace is ruined forever."
"Officer," says Liz in her sweetest voice, "this is an incident with occult overtones and the possibility of government involvement. Can you order a media blackout and have this classified as top secret?" She bats her eyelashes. "Please?"
"Oh, all right, then," says the policeman, "but just this once."
"No!" shouts Barry.
The policemen drag him away.
Later on, Dagless stands on the roof of the hospital, a place he often goes to get away from the stresses of life as a doctor.
'I don't know what it was that drove Barry Renwick to madness, but it was clear to me then that whatever I did to keep a lid on the evil that infested the hospital, it would never be enough. There would always be a demon here or a zombie there, popping up to remind me of what a dick I'd been to go messing with the forces of evil that fateful night,' he muses in voiceover. 'I should have insisted on watching Match of the Day instead. It would have been safer. Much safer. But there was no point in crying over spilt milk, or in my case, a coke float.'
The End
Sources:
http://www.comedy.co.uk/guide/tv/garth_marenghis_darkplace/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0397150/
http://www.channel4.com/assets/programmes/images/garth-marenghis-darkplace/series-1/episode-1/witchy-woman-wittering/garth-marenghis-darkplace-s1e1-witchy-woman-wittering_200x113.jpg
http://www.youtube.com/show/garthmarenghisdarkplace
http://sporedtodeathtome.blogspot.com/2008/01/garth-marenghis-darkplace.html
* I mean, it's not like I'm selling Darkplace: Mogrophobia tshirts and mugs or anything.
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